i wanted something to write about n i finally got my wish. although it came with a price that i had to pay. such dilemma.

to make it fairly short i went to vegas with my bf. i didn't tell them that i was going with bryan though. (big mistake!) when i got back from the trip, first my mom's friend told her that her son saw me at the airport but wasn't sure if it was me.

then a couple of days later she told my mom that i went to vegas with my bf and that her son saw us. my mom later asked me if this was true. of course i denied it, saying that the lady's stories don't add up---she was telling one thing and days later saying something else. i was very much upset n bothered by this. i called bryan right away and told him to do something about it because the nosy lady's son knows bryan n he hung out with us in vegas. bryan told the guy to tell his mom that he saw some guy with me n he thought it was bryan when it wasn't. the guy then said he would take care of it which made me n bryan believed that everything was going to be ok. (initially, i knew this guy would rat us out but bryan insisted that the guy keeps mum about things)

yesterday, the nosy lady came over to my house n told my mom what bryan had said to her son. since then, there has been friction coming from my mom towards me. today when bryan came over, my mom sat down with bryan and stated that she knew about everything, even the phone call that bryan made to the nosy lady's son. she wanted him to admit it otherwise she would be very upset with him. being pulled into a predicament such as this when he first walked into the door n sat there alone with her, bryan felt intimidated n cracked under pressure. his replied was "if i admit it then mindy would be mad at me n if i don't admit it then u would be mad at me."

i felt like a part of me died when i realized what had happened. how can i ever face my mom again knowing that i lied to her, betrayed her trust, disappointed her greatly? the shame that she endured as her "friend" told her about my n my bf going together to vegas, the humility she faced because she tried to explain to the lady that i went to vegas alone, n the torment of having the lady taunting her about my story. i hate bryan for wanting the hang out with that ass in vegas, hate that ass for telling for his mom about me n bryan, n most of all i hate the nosy lady for sticking her nose into other people's business.

i can't believe how nosy people are, especially this particular mother n son. why can they get a fucking life n lay off my business?!    

it is one of those days again where i feel moody n sad. just found out that my best friend is out of the country n i don't even know anything about it. i don't know...ever since i have a bf, me n her we slowly drift apart. no longer am i invited to events n functions. can u actually balance between having close friends n dating someone special? i have never master this skill n it hurts my feelings from time to time b/c i'm ultra sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeves.

i just came back from a trip with my bryan n his family. i didn't have that great of a time. this trip has actually opened my eye and questioned my future with bryan. his family is whiny, dirty, messy, cheap, dishonest, wasteful people. do i want to be married into a family such as this??? it is a scary thought. let me elaborate on how his family ticked me off. so we all went to a tourist attraction, of course everything is going to cost money. bryan's family complained about how expensive things were. they lied to the ticket attendants about their grandchild/niece's age so they didn't have to pay for her ticket. when it comes to free stuff they took alot n ended up throwing away most of them later. u know how ppl just uses one napkin to wipe their mouth, not his family. they used like a stack of napkins just to wipe something. so wasteful of everything! (i am into recycling and preserving things, maybe i am being too hard on them?). when we were out to eat on different occasions, bryan's mom n sis bitched at him for leaving too much tips for the waitresses. if u see the way how they completely trashed the tables, the tip is reasonable for the mess that the poor waiter/waitress that had to clean up. i was embarrassed with this particular incident before when bryan's mom stole some silverware from a restaurant. however, this time it shed some light on me on how vile these people are. do i want to be associated with these people?  

It's suffocating, I can't seem to concentrate on work. "You always get mad at me!" are his words that linger in my head. Apparently, he is not the only one that feels that way about me. My ex bf said that to me nothing was ever good enough. I must be a horrible person, irritable and quick-tempered. Why do I always get mad over the littlest thing??? My fucking problem is that I care too much, expect too much and get all emotional and worked up when things don't go as planned. Now I am afraid that history will repeat itself and I will drive the person I love away with my "pickiness."

Last night when he drove me home, we got into an argument. Then tears were rolling down his cheeks. It broke my heart seeing him like that. He isn't the crying type. He even said that he wouldn't never cry. Yet, there he was--all quiet and in tears. I knew there was nothing I could do to make it better. At that time I was crying myself. I wanted him to come in the house and stay with me for a little bit. We both could use a little comfort and I was afraid that he was in no state to drive. He was kind of drunk--rambling on a lot, and repeating himself. He told me wanted to head back home to join his family, everybody was still over there celebrating Father's Day and said that he would call me to let me know that he got home safely.

About 15-20 minutes later I called him on his cell phone. The drive from my house to his house is about 5 minutes. After 2 tries and he didn't pick up, I called his house. I was getting worried that something happened to him. Why didn't he call me to tell me he got home safely? Did he get into a car accident or did he get pulled over? His sister-in-law picked up the phone and said that he hadn't been home. I called his cell again but nothing. At this point, I was mad and decided to give up. 

I went to brush my teeth and wash my face. I checked my phone and saw 1 missed call. The call was from him so I returned his call. Came to find out that he was hanging out with his friends. He had the time to hang out with his friends but didn't even bother calling me to tell me he was okay and there I was worrying sick about him. And to think that I asked him to stay but he refused since he wanted to spend time with his family. He blows me off  quite often to hang out with his buddies although he would tell me he is going home. Maybe after our argument he isn't in the mood to hang around me. I don't know what is his reason but the fact that  while I was all worried about him he was having a good ole time and neglecting to call me to inform that he was alright. In addition, he lied about getting back to join his family. Don't tell me one thing and be doing another. Fuck! If staying with me is that hard, I would rather you be up front about it than lied and then I found out about it.

I don't know where his head was at or what was he thinking? In addition, he even said that he would call me back later while he was hanging out with his friends. Being the sucker that I am, I believed him each time. I stayed up and waited for him. Part of it because he said that he would call me, part of it because I couldn't sleep because my anguish was eating me.

Now you tell me who is to blame? Am I that fucking horrible?